1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
