You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize
