TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas.
i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful.
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
oh well at that point I was already depressed with life because I had watched the bratz movie.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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