I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
Randomize
