my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
Randomize
