TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
