You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
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