turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
The convent might be a nice break from real life
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Randomize
