He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
There's even glitter on my cock...
Randomize
