I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
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