My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
