I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
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