I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Randomize
