Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
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