I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Randomize
