i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
