Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Randomize
