Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Randomize
