I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
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