i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Randomize
