i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
Randomize
