Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize