my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
