I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
Randomize
