lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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