I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
