i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Randomize
