genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
