Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
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