fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
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