K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
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