I am at a 420 party and i just told a girl "hey, less not getting donuts, more getting donuts"(1-855): and did she get any doughnuts?
No. I am devastated
Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
He had to pee in the sink beside my head because the girl that I was taking care of was passed out on the toilet. To answer your question: yes i took a peek. Thats why we hooked up later.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
