So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
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