She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
Randomize
