i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
