In the future we'll all be gay
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
Randomize
