New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Randomize
