Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
Randomize
