Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
she told me i tasted like america
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
Randomize
