I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
you guys were way drunker than both of me
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Randomize
