So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
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Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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