you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
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