My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
