my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Randomize
