there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Randomize
