my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Randomize
