The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
