Its okay if i dont like him.his junk is just too good to resist.model penis,lame guy.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
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