he quoted Bring It On. It's over.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
so exactly what is concert sex etiquette? Before, during or after???
all of the above
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
