Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
i've created a new STD.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
well, you know. whores of a feather.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Randomize
