I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
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He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
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The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
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