I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
