I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
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