i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
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