Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Randomize
