Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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