I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Randomize
